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Patrick Farley / April 3, 2003 / e-sheep.com
We're on the banks of a FROZEN RIVER on a cold, sunny day. Trees along the riverside drip with melting snow. Far off toward the horizon, almost out of sight, an emaciated OLD WOMAN lies on the ice, moaning feebly for help.
GEORGE W. BUSH stands before a WINNEBAGO and addresses the gathered CROWD.
BUSH: Hey everybody! You remember that old woman who's been stranded on the ice these past 6 months, who we've been ignoring up until now? Today, I'm sending this Winnebago fulla Boy Scouts out there to RESCUE HER!
THE CROWD roars and cheers: WOO!
WE'RE GONNA BE HEROES!
LET'S SAVE THAT OLD LADY!
One guy, a PROTESTER, speaks up:
PROTESTER: Umm.. Mr. President... It's the middle of April... You think it might be unwise to drive a Winnebago onto the ice?
THE CROWD snarls with disbelief:
WOULD YOU LISTEN TO THIS GUY?!
HE HATES THE BOY SCOUTS!
HE HATES WINNEBAGOS!
HE HATES GEORGE BUSH!
HE WANTS THAT OLD WOMAN TO FREEZE TO DEATH ON THE ICE!
PROTESTER: I'm just saying... uh... the ice might be thin.
WOLFOWITZ: Then again, it might not be.
CHENEY: We've looked all up and down the river with binoculars, and as far as we can tell, the ice is FIRM!
PERLE: I predict the ice will get even firmer as the Winnebago rolls over it.
RUMSFELD: And even if it doesn't -- this Winnebago has snowchains!
FRANKS: Darn tootin'... This is the most sophisticated Winnebago money can buy! It's got four wheel drive AND a DVD entertainment system, AND electric ass-warmers on the driver's seat!
PROTESTER: I don't see what that has to do with the ice.
POWELL: Listen -- I've driven Winnebagos before, and I tell you, we have no other choice if we want to save that poor woman. Time is running out for her!
PROTESTER: What about using a ladder?
THE CROWD gasps:
WHEN WE'VE GOT A FULLY-LOADED WINNEBAGO??!!!
LADDERS ARE FOR FAGGOTS!
WINNEBAGO ALL THE WAY! WINNEBAGO ALL THE WAY!
POWELL: A ladder's already been tried. Last month a Swedish guy attempted to reach the woman with a plastic kitchen stepladder, and failed miserably.
PROTESTER: Of course he failed! It's completely the wrong kind of ladder!
THE CROWD snarls:
YOU HATE BOY SCOUTS!
YOU HATE WINNEBAGOS!
YOU HATE GEORGE BUSH!
YOU WANT THAT OLD WOMAN TO FREEZE TO DEATH!
Shh! The President's speaking!
BUSH: My fellow Americans... The rescue of the old lady on the ice is about to begin. Boy Scout Troop 242 will take the Winnebago. I am personally giving the keys to Eagle Scout Billy Joe Johnson, who just got his learner's permit last week.
BILLY JOE: Golly Mr. President.... You're lettin' ME drive the Winnebago? I won't let you down, sir!
They exchange salutes. BILLY JOE and the rest of the BOY SCOUTS file down into the WINNEBAGO.
BOY SCOUT 1: Dude! We're all gonna get Life Saving merit badges for this!
BOY SCOUT 2: And a full-page spread in Boy's Life!
As they march into the WINNEBAGO one by one, the entire BOY SCOUT TROOP sings:
Lord Baden Powell
Has many friends,
Many friends has Loooord Baden Powell!
You are one of them,
And so am I,
As weee go marching ON!!!
Door slams shut. Engine revs.
PROTESTER: Shit shit shit shit shit shit....
Vroom vroom... The WINNEBAGO half-rolls, half-slides onto the ice, fishtails for a moment, then charges confidently forward.
FOX NEWS COMMENTATOR: And THERE THEY GO, the HEROIC BOYS of SCOUT TROOP 242. They are truly AMERICA'S FINEST. Let's all wave to them and show our support!
CROWD cheers, waves American flags, and holds up teddy bears dressed in Boy Scout uniforms.
PROTESTER: For fuck's sake, what's wrong with you people??? WE'RE SENDING A WINNEBAGO FULL OF BOY SCOUTS ONTO A FROZEN RIVER IN THE SPRINGTIME!
FOX NEWS COMMENTATOR: Heh heh... Looks like we got ourselves a Bush-hating, anti-Boy Scout NUTCASE down there. He must really want that old woman to freeze to death! Hold it -- This just in: neighboring towns are refusing to send their own Boy Scouts or Winnebagos to assist in the rescue effort, but they have offered to stand by with ladders if need be.
A FLAG-WAVING GUY nearby shouts into the microphone: THOSE CHICKENSHITS! WHO NEEDS THEIR LADDERS?! WE CAN DO THIS OURSELVES!
Suddenly, from the river, comes a sickening CRACK...
CROWD: (murmurs fearfully) What was THAT?
PERLE: I'm outta here. (exits quietly)
RUMSFELD steps up to the podium.
CROWD: What's wrong?
RUMSFELD: Nothing's "wrong." Stop saying things are "wrong." The Winnebago's probing the soft spots in the ice. Its tires are designed for that.
FOX NEWS COMMENTATOR: This just in: One of the Boy Scouts has pitched headfirst into the dashboard and now has a bloody nose.
THE CROWD gasps.
FLAG-WAVING GUY points an accusing finger at the PROTESTER and snarls: Hey you! Mr. Naysayer! Ya hear that? A Boy Scout has a BLOODY NOSE. Maybe it's time you shut up now and show some GRATITUDE to those brave boys out there.
PROTESTER: I WANTED TO KEEP THOSE BOYS OFF THE ICE TO BEGIN WITH!!!
FLAG-WAVING GUY: Well it's too late to turn back now, so you better wave a flag and show those boys you're behind 'em ONE HUNNERD PER CENT!
PROTESTER: How is waving a fucking FLAG going to firm up the ICE?
DON'T YOU PEOPLE GET IT?
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BRAVE THEY ARE!
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW GOOD OUR INTENTIONS ARE!
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SOPHISTICATED THE WINNEBAGO IS!
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE ICE!!!
Suddenly the FLAG-WAVING GUY lays a meaty hand on PROTESTER's shoulder.
FLAG-WAVING GUY: That's enough, buddy.
The way you keep talkin' bout the ice cracking is demoralizing our boys....
You must really WANT the ice to crack, don't you?
You must really WANT to see our boys drown in freezing water, don't you?
You'd LIKE that, wouldn't you, you SICK FUCK!
LET'S GET HIM BOYS!!!!
A dozen REDNECKS fall on the PROTESTER with fists and baseball bats, beating him to a bloody pulp, while THE CROWD whoops, cheers, and chants WINNEBAGO! WINNEBAGO! over and over.
In the foreground, DONALD RUMSFELD speaks with the FOX NEWS COMMENTATOR:
FOX NEWS COMMENTATOR: Mr. Secretary, would you comment on the progress of the rescue effort?
RUMSFELD: We're making excellent progress! As you can see, the Winnebago is halfway to the old woman, which means the ice must be getting firmer. The closer our boys get to her, the less likely the ice will be to --
April 3, 2003
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